Story time: Farewell to Failure

By today (May 29, 2015), Nigerians who have been on a roller-coaster enduring the tragedies of death, deprivation and destruction foisted on their country over the past few years, will heave a sigh of relief, other things being equal. I add other things being equal because no one can determine the wiles of a desperate man beholden to even a more desperate and overbearing wife. Besides, it is never over till it is over and cautious optimism isn’t actually a bad idea.

For thematic and aesthetic purposes, I apply these stories someone sent to my mail box some time ago to the contemporary Nigerian reality hoping they would offer some food for thought and “smiles for mouth”. The prospect of Nigeria becoming free from the jaws of PDP is now in view. Nigeria is winning and it is refreshing that our mood requires sensibly funny stories.

The FIRST story: An eagle was sitting on a tree doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him. “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle replied, “Sure, why not?”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.”

The LESSON is that to be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting, high up.

But there is a counter-lesson, when you sit high up, doing nothing, you will soon fall. Though the argument of the story dwells more on the rabbit, a President who sits doing nothing high up, listens to all tales and watches while the country burns, with young girls kidnapped, fuel subsidy removed, with young men and women taking desperate measures to survive due to hopelessness has his date with history. Like Humpty Dumpty, he falls off the wall in an election setting a new record.

The SECOND story: A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They are packed with nutrients”.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after the fourth night, the turkey was proudly perching at the top of the tree.

Then, he was spotted as a big bird by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree and out of life.

The LESSON is that bullshit might get you to the top but it won’t keep you there.

Anything can take anyone to the top, it may be a Doctrine of Necessity or a terribly flawed election where massive rigging was the order of the day and those who protested were slaughtered like chicken in Kaduna and elsewhere. But keeping the seat and gaining respectability on it are a different ball game.

As part of enjoying the top position, anyone can apply “divide and rule” tactics, polarise Nigerians along ethnic and religious lines, institutionalise corruption adding that stealing isn’t part of it and watch his wife and hangers on as they insult the nation. There is always a pay day and he would get what he deserves: electoral shoot down from the top of the Aso tree.

The THIRD story: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there under the dung all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him up.

LESSON one: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. LESSON two: Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And LESSON three: when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut.

Now, if you alienate a man of enormous courage like Rotimi Amaechi and you insult another one called Rabiu Kwankwonso because they shit on you, you are making a terrible mistake. Then, if you cap it up with calling a restless and vindictive personality like Olusegun Obasanjo a motor park tout, you are in shit. A man who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy, maybe he wants you just to clean up and then smell better afterwards.

Then, if you hire your old kinsman and some “talkerthieves” and hagiographers fortified under your Rock to fight your battle, under the command of your blunder-spewing wife just because they love you, then you face the consequences. Not all those who fight for you are your friends. Then destroy you more than your true enemies.

For all those who contribute to the colossal failure that Nigeria is, in security, agriculture, transportation including air travel, health, education, economy, indeed, every gamut of our national life, it is farewell to them.

As we bid them and their failure farewell, we hope that change will herald a paradigm shift in the running of our national affairs. Else, Nigerians will show once again that just as matter matters, change also changes with time.


First it was the Chairman, Board of Trustees of PDP, Mr. Fix It Tony Anenih, that threw in the towel “to allow Jonathan take over”. Now, the Chairman of the Party, Alhaji Adamu Mu’azu, has been shown the way out after what was referred to as palace coup. Femi Fani-Kayode has his day in court just as he is penned down for punishment.

When fire has nothing else to burn, it burns itself. The PDP is self-immolating. We’ll see what the ashes will give birth too. How are the mighty fallen!